Someone whom I considered a friend is getting married today. The pain I feel now is the antithesis of what I hope for him, and may be the very reason he is marrying. The woman he is marrying is someone whom I also thought was a friend, but due to her own lack of emotional growth tossed me by the wayside. I was there for her in time of great need. I did take pleasure in “rescuing”, but also in rekindling happiness. I suppose it is that betrayal that is the cause of my hate. I try not to hate and started out my life without a vague notion of it, but I soon learned. Or rather, I was soon taught. I suppose if my blood relatives hadn’t done so the world would have soon enough. Besides, the real struggle is not how one learns to hate, but how one learns not to hate. I can remember the boy that was in awe of every moment, every living creature, every exchange of emotion. The pain I feel is not hate. Hate does not beget hate. Apathy does. If there is one useful thing my mother taught me it is that the opposite of love is not hate, it’s apathy. But she too is a victim in this seemingly endless, though cosmically minuscule, cycle of love, apathy, hate, repeat. So when I say I hate, and it isn’t really hate, I mean I hurt. I learned at a very young age that, “Hate is just fear wrapped in ego,” as I’ve said many times. I am both afraid in terror and fearless. Though the former seems to confront me more with age. I do break out of the cycle every now and again. But then I return. Buddhists would call this my [darhma].? I can’t think of the word, but my destiny of suffering. It’s not karma. I know that much. As I sit here in a depressed, stoned, daze I am a mixture of hope and hopelessness. Returning to a semblance of the point or plot…I can not let her betrayal of me go, and a temporary consequence of that is my current state. At the same time of this apologetic and empathetic nature I am also logically aware of my need to stay steadfast in self-protection. That is that I should not accept abuse and will no longer let people whom I consider dear/friends/family take advantage of my acute nature. I love immediately and deeply and only expect respect in return. It is not a youthful infatuation. I know the difference. No, for the longest time I’ve been able to love so completely, so effortlessly, so entirely, but my choice in friends was poor. I’m drawn to those who abuse and use, because that’s what I know. When presented with a person who is open of heart and similarly empathetic I shy away. I didn’t always, but a life of betrayal and abuse has taught me to retreat in hate. As if that is some sort of sanctuary. I hope my friend is happy and I hope she will grow and be happy with him. But I cannot be there. There are the other loose-friends, and acquaintances. They I can live without. No, it’s the loss of so many, of just a handful, a family, that I loved/love in just a few years. I am in the doldrums and hopefully nearing the end of this pupal cycle. I work hard to become better than I am. Even writing this is a sight better than I could have managed these last few years. I’m teaching myself how to love again, and to be a bit more cautious. Though my nature will always be that once a person gets past my formidable barriers they will have near complete (I am learning) access to my heart, my thoughts, my honesty. I only wish I were able to use a key to unlock that guarded safe at will. But these days I find the key missing more and more. But I will fight to break down those barriers. And that is the hope that I rely on. I still love all creatures. I still love myself, when I think really hard and remember how. I know there is hope for humanity and me. Even if I never find “the one” or “one”, I will never stop loving and hoping.
Well, I’m tired of writing and feel like listening to some beautiful soulful music with just a taste of sadness for realness and a melody of love.
(Written with tears that will not drop.)
- HP :)
HappinessPie’s Favorite Things: A place for readers, advanced ESL students, and people who are tired of Oprah.
Why, might you ask, am I starting my first blog with a glamorized, and possibly humorized, list of my favorite life-enhancing things? As a writer, I hate the word "things". I also love it, because that's what they are. They may be my current favorite technological advances, but at the end of the day it's just stuff. But stuff I'm excited about..."but stuff"...! They say write what you know, so I do. I've also got loads of stories (true and imagined), thoughts, technological insights, poetry (ugh, don't worry no mushy crap), world travels, and experiences to share. This is my first blog, and much like a 40 year old virgin, I've been saving it up! Here we go...
My current favorite things are:
The Firefly 2 personal vaporizer
The HTC Vive
The Quickshot by Fleshlight
First off, someone needs to combine these 3 excellent experiences IMMEDIATELY! I can do 1 and 2 in combination, but imagine adding 3 into the mix… EUREKA… [O-face]… and guilt. ;P
Seriously though, I’m not joking at all. I mean, it’s hilarious in its insanity, but the idea is solid! There should be an app for that. Anywho, I have to tell you that these three products, while a bit pricey (except the Quickshot), are mind-blowingly good. Not just good, even, but EXCELLENT! I paid full price as a regular (albeit very well informed) consumer, and I don’t regret the crippling debt one bit. The Firefly 2 is the best vape I have ever owned or used. It actually out performs the almighty Volcano; though, the two serve different purposes and quantities. The vapor quality is insane! Like, wacky tabacky, manic piano playing insane. For real though! — Am I trying to hard to sound cool/street here? — No, your right. I’m just coco for coo-coo puffs. Watch some reviews, read if you must, but for small personal sessions this thing is a must. It’s on-demand heat means you can take one or two puffs and not waste the rest. Among a whole slew of design features that beat most other personal vaporizers is: excellent vapor for both flower and concentrates, flawless design, super easy to clean, replaceable parts, and it even comes with a user changeable (think Samsung) extra battery. This is probably not the vape you will take with you to shows or large group sessions, but it’s your best friend waiting for you after a long day. For traveling and sharing I prefer the Pax 2. Think of the Firefly 2 as your choice glass piece that you keep at home for yourself and special guests.
The HTC Vive is hands-down the best VR headset I’ve ever experienced or owned. And, yes, I am old enough to have used VR in the 90’s at cybercafes (think Starbucks plus 20 IQ points or so). The evolution of technology is fascinating to observe and participate in, and horrifying in some of its implications. But this humanist has to have hope that our machine overlords will be bogged down by an android congress, and end up being as ineffectual as many human overlords. Androids, in theory, might not feel emotion the same way we do. So, the difference seems negligible. ;P The Vive is seriously fun, and with Valve at the helm it unsurprisingly delivers a premium experience. Yes it is expensive. But it’s main and technically comparable competition, the Occulus Rift, is the same price for less value in every department. The Vive feels like the future, while the Rift feels like, well Facebook telling you that a new smiley is the future. Okay, so I jest a bit, but my tepid metaphor stands. The Rift looks cheaper, but when you get to the technology and abilities of both units the Vive wins. It comes with everything you need for your own personal holodeck, including the all important laser motion-tracking, and hand controllers. Hand controllers really do take VR to the next level of immersion. Fear not, fellow nerds, if you don’t have enough room to actually walk around (though you should because WOW!!!)! The Vive can operate just as adeptly standing or sitting in one position. I could go on forever about the tech., but just lookup the specs. yourself and you’ll see what I mean. You get what you pay for. At the time of writing this we are still months from the Playstation VR release, and even though it’s price is somewhat lower, the value is not there. First, the PSVR does not have the screen resolution of the Occulus nor the Vive. Second, Sony has confirmed that to even use the full resolution and potential of the PSVR you will need to buy the new, unreleased Playstation 4 Neo (aka PS4K). Once you add up the costs, the price difference between the PSVR + PS4 Neo and the HTC Vive + decent gaming PC isn’t prohibitive. Sure, some people are going to go with the PSVR for convenience, but they’ll be giving up the quality of a truly immersive experience for something like a Nintendo alternative. In the end, different strokes… which leads me to my third and final current favorite thing.
The Quickshot from Fleshlight is the most affordable and best masturbation sleeve money can buy. Having owned the original Fleshlight and being a man, and once a very horny and inventive teenager, I can say that this thing will get you off before you have time to find your favorite scene. I ordered this on a whim, while it was on sale for $27, and well… “What do we get for  dollars?” “Everyting….” You know the rest! ;) It’s much more compact than a regular Fleshlight, and is more of a traditional sleeve in its shape only (open at both ends and only about 4” long. That’s the best part, though. Alone, it’s great. With a partner, and you will want to spend more than 7 minutes in heaven, though you will not likely last that long. For realz! I won’t go into much more detail than that, as I don’t wish our first blog encounter to be “too sordid”. Just buy one, you’ll be happy you did. I guarantee it! :P
Well, so long for now. I’m off to bed, if I can pull myself away from any/all of these three! Until next time, and there will be a next time. I’ve written privately for so long that I have so much to share with you all! Stories, rants, technology, free-association humor (may require purchase of vaporizer to enjoy), and humanist consumerist lists for the literary-inclined. Until next time… try not to go blind before then!
P.S. I did not know if I should include web pages or relevant Youtube videos, because I'm not really a "reviewer", except when I'm really excited by something new or found. In these cases, I'm more like an unpaid evangelist. Let me know your thoughts and what you'd like to see in future blogs.